Nightly Examen — my answer to several readers’ questions

I’ve received several emails the last couple of weeks on the subject of prayer and devotion and each ended with the same questions: how can I make myself a better devotee? What do I need to do to make myself a better person in relation to my Gods.  Each person asked this in his or her own way, but these were the two essential questions and it boiled down to how one might develop a character formed and shaped in and by devotion. These are good questions. Additionally, several readers asked me what I do in order to improve my character and devotional mindfulness so here is my answer and hopefully it will help those of you who have reached out. 

Now remember, I teach at a Jesuit university and my teaching values have been formed by the Jesuit idea of cura personalis, care of the whole person. I’ve also picked up a number of very useful devotional techniques from them. If it works, and my Gods approve of it, I’ll sometimes incorporate some of these things into my own practice, adapted of course for my own devotional alliances. One of these is something called the “Examen,” which Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuits, developed as part of his spiritual exercises. (He wasn’t the first to come up with something like this. We can find the same type of nightly examination of conscience in the ancient Egyptian litany of Ma’at, for instance. The Bacchic Orphic traditions had a type of examen and so did Pythagoreans. I just happened to first encounter this particular practice within the Jesuit tradition). I’ve only just started in the past couple of months to really do this consistently but already, I have found it personally, very, very helpful.

So, what is this examen and why do I do it? The examen, regardless of which tradition one is practicing, is a nightly inventory of one’s day. Where did you uphold the principles and practices embedded in your devotion? Where did you do well? This is asked not out of negative pridefulness or impertinence, but in order to continue to cultivate such practices that help the soul. Likewise, the opposite is considered.  Where did you fail to live up to your goals? Where did you drop the ball on your ethics and the cultivation of virtue? This is all bracketed by prayer. So, here’s how you do it: 

1. Begin from a place of gratitude. No matter how badly you may have missed the mark that day, or how badly it went, there are a thousand things for which we can be grateful. Our Gods are so incredibly generous. Begin by sitting and centering yourself, maybe running through a centering and grounding exercise. Think about how deeply our Gods have wrapped us up in Their love and care. Think about how carefully we were made, and how much the Gods love us. Use all your devotional senses: sight, sound, taste, smell, touch, to place yourself in the experience of our Gods’ grace and also, consciously bring forth in yourself a deep, all-abiding, all-consuming sense of gratitude. Moving from gratitude, centering yourself in gratitude to our Holy ones is the first and in many ways, the most important step. 

2. Pray. Offer a prayer to your primary Deity or Deities and ask for grace. What does that mean? Ask that the Gods bless you with insight and discernment, with the gift of being able to adequately and accurately self-examine yourself.  This is the work of cultivating and forming the soul. It can be embarrassing, difficult, confusing to really take a look at one’s behavior and deepest motivations­‑‑especially our failures. One might be ashamed and sometimes it’s hard to move past that to see how even our mistakes are building blocks in the cultivation of our character. We’re going to fall short. We’re human and that’s inevitable but we can learn each time to do better and be better (1).So, begin all things with prayer and this is especially important in one’s personal examen. 

3. This is the part that sucks. lol. Go through your entire day. Think about everything you did, everything you said, every possible interaction. Think about what are virtues and what are errata in your tradition — and values and virtues may vary depending on one’s religious tradition. I know I came across this practice originally via a Jesuit friend (and very quickly thereafter found the Kemetic version) but if one looks at a list of Catholic sins, not all of them are problematic or wrong within my own tradition. I’m sure the opposite is also true. So, consider what is correct, what constitutes right order and right relationship with one’s soul and the Holy Ones within the context of your own religious tradition. Even within our various polytheisms, there are denominational differences here. Really interrogate your behavior and choices – both acts of commission and acts of omission. Don’t let yourself off the hook. This is time between you and your Gods. No one else is ever going to read this unless you choose to share it with a religious elder (I sometimes do). Go down as deeply as you can (2). Write all of this down — I set aside a special journal where I do this nearly every night. I don’t stress if I miss some days, but I do my best to be consistent. 

4. Once you have your list think about the places where you fell short. Did these actions/words/non-actions/etc. help you to draw closer to the Holy Ones or not? Long term, how will they impact the character of your soul? Were you in alignment with divine order, the will of the Gods as best as you are able to comprehend it, or were you putting your own ego and will above right order? (No shame: we all fall short here sometimes. It’s the getting up and course correcting that’s important). Depending on your answers, apologize and ask your Gods to help you do better and in some cases, ask forgiveness. I usually often will make an offering at this point, usually a bit of incense and a candle. We have a tremendous amount of agency in the formation of our souls and I don’t think that’s emphasized enough. At its core, the examen is about care of one’s soul and we can choose to course correct bad habits, to consciously cultivate good ones, to make amends when we hurt someone with our words or deeds, to become bit by bit the type of person we want to be. I fully believe that this is part of the Work, our spiritual work, that contributes to the healing of the world. It’s not the big, grand gestures, but our time in the darkness with our Gods. 

5. Finally, think about how you are going to do better tomorrow. Small steps, attainable goals can help if there is a habit that is particularly troublesome. Spend time in contemplation and prayer with your Gods for as long as you want. I sometimes incorporate lectio divina here as well.  I usually close all this with “Sigdrifa’s prayer.” It so nicely encompasses Heathen cosmological architecture that I like to use it as much as possible to close my devotions and rituals. Other traditions will have their own prayers that can be used. If you can’t find one you like within your tradition, you can always just say ‘thank you’ to the Holy Ones. What better prayer is there, after all, than that?

That’s it. That’s what I’m doing at the moment, and I’ve found it to be really helpful. I bought an inexpensive journal from a local book shop (yay!! we now have two in my town, and one is just lovely. The other’s a hot mess in my opinion, but I’m glad it exists anyway). That’s all I needed to get started — there is something particularly useful about actually writing instead of typing one’s examen. Some days I pray a lot more as I do this or will set aside a period before or after to light candles, make offerings, and pray. It really depends. The practice is fairly flexible. I usually do it shortly before bed. 

I’m happy to take questions on this, and I hope this answers some of the questions that y’all have been sending me privately. Have a good weekend, folks. 

Notes: 

1. In fact, failure is important. I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t failed. I think failing and having to get up and move forward, learning from that failure is one of the most important aspects of character building possible. I think as a culture, we need to stop looking at failure as the be all and end all of a person and instead as a necessary part of the process of growth and engagement with the Holy. Think of inventors: how many failures happened before a successful invention? It’s the same with our spiritual work. We learn and grow and sometimes that happens by failing and having to make amends. I’m very wary of people who have never failed at anything, because failure breeds both humility and resilience and those are traits essential for spiritual wholeness. 

2. Go down as deeply as you can, but don’t give in to religious scrupulosity. This is a type of devotional OCD. One rightfully wants to be properly pious but then it gets out of control and one can become paralyzed from doing any devotion at all for fear of doing it wrong, or one can fixate on small mistakes to the point that they become all-consuming. It can be spiritually devastating all the more so because it comes from a good and positive place: the desire to do right by the Holy Ones. This is where prayer and working with one’s elders and teachers can be very, very helpful. A good teacher can head this off pretty quickly. There are times where it may require serious pastoral counseling. I tell my students that you’re going to make mistakes and that’s ok. We do our best from where we’re at and we grow. Sometimes, scrupulosity may go hand in hand with an anxiety disorder and if that is the case the latter needs to be treated by a licensed therapist.